Thoughts: New school year, new me?

Buying school supplies, knowing your sections, wearing your uniform again after ages. Yup, school's starting again. I've got to admit, I'm scared. I'm scared that this year would be different, for the bad.

This time last year, I read my class list. I could only count on my two hands the people I went along with. After 10 months, I can say that I have no problem whatsoever with most of my class. I took my first steps in the high school and the year was pretty great. I did things I never expected to do. I was the batch muse, I was a class officer, I actually reached my goal and made it to the top 10 of my batch. Cool thing was, on the first day, I wrote on the "recognition rites" box: "goal, top 10" and I did make it. I remember every first I did with my class. I remember our tour around the campus, I remember entering our classroom for the first time, and I remember our first homeroom meeting with our adviser Mrs. Saddul. She was more like a mother to us, really. We miss you.

Now, I'm scared that this year's fun wouldn't amount to last year's. I was so happy to be greeted by ALL  of my former classmates as I went to the first day assembly. It was really great, our section was the only section that got together and caught up, we could talk to anybody in the class, that was how united we were. I mean yeah, I'm okay with my classmates and some teachers, but I still feel like something's missing. I don't know if I'll ever feel so welcome. I don't know if I can be the person I was last year all over again. I mean, I can change, right? This year, I want to do much better. I aim to make my parents and Mrs. Saddul proud, I aim to be part of the top five and am possibly thinking of running for batch rep. Problem is, I don't have the nerve and enough trust for myself. I'm scared that if I lose, I won't be an officer either, making me nothing. I'm scared that I'd fail my batch, or I'd be hated by them. I'm scared that I won't be able to meet expectations. I don't know, let's just say that whatever happens this year happens and I must cherish the 204 school days I have left.

BRING IT ON, 8TH GRADE.

the truth behind the name (and much more)

For the sake of updating, let me tell you the story behind my name (not that you want to know, but whatever, this is my blog)

My complete name is Nina Linly Dionisio Capulong.

Nina
"This name coincides with the Spanish word niña meaning little girl"
When my dad was courting my mom, instead of love letters, he would send her drawings. I remember one drawing that my dad showed me, it was of a little girl and had many names around it "harper" "nina". My dad knew that my mom was going to have a girl, therefore, they named me Nina meaning "little  girl". Due to this, my parents always tell me "No matter how big you are and how grown up you'll be, you'll always be our little girl. (uyy cheesy)

Linly
Now, this is very interesting.
My dad once had an older sister named Linly. My dad said that I had her eyes and act very much like her. Unfortunately, she died when she was my age. My dad said that he sees her in me. Tita Linly had a talent for writing; I remember my dad saying that she liked to write poems. One particular line that was written on her tombstone was "love is everything we see"

I didn't understand this line at first, then after one too many walks and one too many movies, I realized that love is everything we see and everything we feel. Love is the people around us, the way that they do their best to keep you happy. Love is may also be in our enemies, in our flaws, and how to accept these things. Love is in the air around us, we can;t see it, but we can feel it. Love is everything we see and everything we feel.

I may be too young to be in love and understand this, but thank you, Tita Linly for this message.

Love is loving your name no matter how many people spell it wrong -_-

because of a boy

oh look, it's an attempt in poetry.
Note : None of this is based on my life. Unless your name is Dan Howell then no, I am not in love with you.

Atelophobia

So today, I had a good talk with my friend. My friend told me about the girl my friend likes. My friend said she was beautiful, that she was perfect and all these wonderful things.

And this made me think, in the future, would anybody, anybody in the world say the same things about me? I look in the mirror and see me, someone normal and nothing special. I look in the mirror and see nothing "beautiful" or even close to perfect. I look in the mirror and think, "What is the definition of perfect? Why do we all try to be perfect if we don't exactly know what it means?".

I seriously can't imagine anybody saying that I am pretty and meaning it. I can't imagine somebody gushing over me or getting butterflies when I talk to them. I can't imagine anyone looking at my picture and thinking that I look pretty. I can't imagine anyone calling me beautiful.

Some of you may think that I'm trying to get attention, but no, this is how I really feel. Yeah, sometimes I do feel beautiful but that feeling fades when I compare my self to others. There will always be somebody prettier, smarter, thinner and more talented than me. I don't have white skin, a flawless face, a perfectly fat stomach,  a thigh gap, hairless legs or beautiful legs, so what could anybody see in me. I have brown skin, fat legs, fat thighs and a 3 dimensional stomach. I have man eyebrows, I can't sing, I can't dance and I'm not like those geniuses in school (i had to double check on how to spell genius, see?) I'm not even smart enough or funny enough or somebody interesting to talk to, so who could see anything special in me?


 I mean, who could love a girl like me?

Parallel Universe

(My attempt on poetry)

Masked

I don’t know who you are anymore. You’re my best friend, and you’re supposed to be there for me. For 7 years, for more than half your age, I was there for you. I was with you since we were both in pigtails, innocent and exploring the world. I was there to ask about your day, and I always want to know how your day went. I mean, hello, we’re miles away from each other, ofcourse your best friend is concerned. I ask you to rant but you wouldn’t. You hardly ever tell me your secrets anymore. 

Is my best friend gone? Has she evolved into a stranger?

I wouldn’t like to think so, because I know there’s that 0.01% of you returning to the old you. I was sad and you didn’t bother to ask why. Why do I always give, how come I never receive? Why do I seem to care so much when you care so little? Why do I feel like if I disappeared from your life, nothing would change? You found new friends, anyways. I know this may be a form of jealousy because you give more attention to them, but trust me, I just need that old best friend back, the one who would find me in a crowd just to talk to me, the one who’d share her food with me because she knows that food makes me better, my best friend who would listen, my best friend who was there on the day that I was embarrassed in front if the whole school and sought to comfort me, and listen to my pointless dramas. Remember that day? That was when I knew that you were my best friend.

Most of all, you chose to speak to people you’ve just met over comforting your best friend. I don’t know what went wrong, and I don’t easily get mad. I always put your happiness before mine, I mean, that’s what best friends do, they’re there for each other. Then I noticed, oh yeah, you’re gone. You’re hundreds of miles away and the person I knew for 7 years, might have gone with you.

I miss the old you, take of your mask and show me my old best friend, the girl I knew 7 years ago with pigtails and crooked teeth. Bring her back.

Reality vs Fantasy

Fantasy

It's just like the movies. In fantasy, there's no such thing as a bittersweet ending, everything's sugar coated and the ending is perfect. You imagine yourself living in a perfect world. You start with once upon a time and end with happily ever after. In a fantasy, you have your fairy god mother and this prince charming. This prince charming, he's perfect. He gives you good morning and good night messages, he's by your side each second of everyday, he's a shoulder you could cry on, a person you can tell your secrets to. He's there to hold your hand and tell you that you're beautiful; because of him, you believe that you're beautiful. At the end of the day, you walk around sunset and run away to the world of never ending happiness.

But in reality? It's totally different.

Reality

In reality, you read books and watch movies of people you'll never become and adventures you'll never have. In real life, you would probably not have a fairy godmother, and who knows, the villain is probably disguising himself as prince charming. You never know. 

That's the thing about life, you never know what tomorrow brings. Tomorrow's a mystery, like a prize hidden at the bottom of the cereal box. What if tomorrow, it gets better? What if I can finally have my happily ever and scars are healed? What if tomorrow gets worse? What if another challenge comes and the wound opens?

Here's one thing you should know, no matter how you started your story, no matter how many bumps on the road you get, and no matter how bad your life is right now there is always  a happily ever after.

Yes, it might not come now, or tomorrow, or even the day after that. Hell, I might take years but no matter what, things will eventually get better. So if you're sitting there moping on how bad your life is, don't worry because it gets better. 

  

The Summer Soundtrack

Summer's finally here! Long road trips, scorching hot weather, academic free days, sleepless nights. Yes, the epitome of summer. I, for one, must have an amazing list of songs as I go on a road trip. These songs set you in the mood, keep you happy. I confess that I can't surive with my Summer soundtrack.

As I mentioned in a previous post, my favorite days are when the skies are clear and the sun peeks through the barely visible clouds. I love that moment when you're riding in your car, basking at the scene with the sun in your face and good music to set the right mood. I have a long list of songs, so here are a few to set your "summer mode" on. :)

1. Sleep all day- Jason Mraz
2.  Put your records on- Corinne Bailey Rae
3. Love Song- Sara Bareilles
4. In Your Arms- Kina Grannis
5. New York City- Norah Jones
6. The City- Ed Sheeran
7. Chasing Pavements- Adele
8. Must get Out- Maroon 5
9. Viva la Vida- Coldplay
10. Island in the Sun-Weezer (This, you must have)
11. Everybody Wants to Rule the World- Tears for Fears
12. Make it Mine- Jason Mraz
    
    (Most of them are lyric videos, because I like lyric videos better than the music videos)

State of Mind: Grade 7

March 8, and there are three days left.

Fading. I know that you can see things fading, but can you feel them fade? I walk around the hallways in the school campus. I trace the past's footsteps, each place holds a memory. There are times when I remember "Oh, this is where I did this, this is where that happened". Although I imagine it, it's like an incomplete thought, like something is missing,

I                                                  feel                            it                                                     fading.

I know I have five years of High School left, but I'll really miss this year. They say the best is yet to come, I can't imagine what adventures await for me in my high school life. I'll miss my friends greeting me "good morning" every morning as I enter the classroom every morning. I'll miss eating lunch at the red bench, I'll miss Thursdays with my best friend or playing the piano in the Music room. I'll miss my adviser's corny jokes, I'll miss my section's laughter. Even if they have given me several headaches, I'll miss them. Honestly, when I saw the class list before school started, I was terrified. I barely knew half the people on my list, most of them were transferees. Today, I consider these people my family. On the first day of school, I could only count on my fingers the amount of friends I had in my section. Now that the school year is almost over, my fingers and toes aren't enough to count the wonderful friends I've made.

As for you, you're leaving soon. We barely know each other, but at least I have the honor of calling you my friend.

Here's to side way glances in the hallway, to my friends elbow-ing me when you pass by, to the zoo of butterflies I get, to your silly dance, to me waking up every morning just wanting to see you, to the Arctic Monkeys, to those shy "hi's" and "hellos", to our "could have been" friendship if I just listened to my friends and had the courage to talk to you.

We only have our yesterdays to remember, no more tomorrows to spend together.

Here's to 3 days left.

Nostalgia

 This time last year, January 27 was the day I actually felt "euphoric". Now,  a year later, I feel a sense of nostalgia. I want a time machine. I  need  a time machine to bring the good old days back.

There are some memories that are going to tattoo in your mind forever. The good the bad, they'll be there. On that day January 27, 2012 fate happened. It was the day I realized who my real friends were. It was the first first (of many) gatherings at the field. We did crazy things like run around in airplanes, talk to trees. Yes, we were insane but I didn't care. I was happy. This was the day that started it all, the day you said you liked me. Since then, many moments were made.

It was a normal day, it was teacher's day. Little did I know what was coming. You told me what you needed to say then our friends watched the concert toghether. We were all so happy singing at the top of our lungs and my best friend said "I proclaim this our day. The LAF day". We spent the last few hours at school having the time of our lives. That was the start of something special.

I can't believe that it has already been a year since. I remember so much
I remember that we would always form circles when we talk.
I remember our favorite game, "Adam's song"
I remember when we found a rock and claimed it as our pet.
I remember our fail skype sessions.
I remember when we were obsessed with "Call me maybe".
I remember the water balloons, the sprinklers and everything.
I remember the kept secrets.
I remember the vents.
I remember that one day when we played children's games
I remember the velcro wall
I remember the table
I remember the "korean dramas"
I remember us. I will never forget.

Thank you for being a part of my life,and I do hope you stay. Friends like you are hard to find. These moments that we had are now memories. These photos would someday be old photographs reminding us of these moments.

Thank you for everything. Here's to us

Them :)

Dear Cupid,

Dear Cupid,

If I could have one wish,

It’s for you to grant me this,

All this time, I’ve been loving alone

Maybe it’s time for my heart to find a home

It wouldn’t be such a crime

If cupid, you could hit him too next time?

Cupid, maybe you should practice your aim

What can I do to make him feel the same?

How many stars do I have to catch,

How many seas do I have to cross

To make you and me into “us”

Oh, it would be such paradise

To look into your eyes

Then our fingers would entwine

Cupid, maybe you can hit him too, next time?

Please.

Nothing

Nothing. 

This is what I'm feeling at this exact moment. I see couples everywhere, the couples that write each other letters everyday ( you know who you guys are), couples that hold hands while they walk, couples that are like Cosmo&Wanda,  couples that give each other goodnight and good morning texts, couples that spend almost every minute of everyday with each other. I see couples with their perfect love story and their perfect happy ending.

Us? There's not even an us. Nothing. Just a girl with this big crush on somebody she has no chance with.
The thing is, I am deeply infatuated and am (possibly)  in love with you. But maybe we have no perfect happy ending or perfect love story, there was probably no "once upon a time" for us either.

You're left handed and I'm right handed, we can do our homework while holding hands.
We can watch The Art of Getting By while listening to our favorite bands,
We can write songs together.
You're socially unacceptable, and  I'm socially unacceptable.
We can be socially unacceptable together.
Now that, would be something.

You never know

To the friends at distance,

I miss you all.
I miss our late night talks.
I miss seeing every one of you every single day.
I miss our circles.
I miss our truth or dares.
I miss doing ridiculous things with other people around.
I miss our fandoms.
I miss our "high" days.
I miss our Friday afternoon hangouts.
I miss our music jams.
I miss our dance dares.
I miss our fail skype conversations.
I miss playing childhood games in the middle of the classroom.
I miss us.

To the person who gave me so much to remember,

I miss who you were and what we used to have.
I miss that butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling.
I miss our nicknames.
I miss holding hands.
I miss your back hugs.
I miss your laugh.
I miss our late night texts.
I miss our hour long conversations.
I miss you calling my name.
I miss you sharing food with me.
I miss your surprises.
I miss the those days.
I miss the words you used to say.
I miss you.

I wanted you all to stay, but distance just had to pull us away. We might never meet again. Sad, isn't it?

Ugh

I'm not perfect, okay. I'm not even close.
You're not perfect either, you're probably farther than I am.

Don't expect me to meet those expectations, I'm only human.
Stop making me remember.
Stop giving me your pity.
Stop rubbing it in my face.
Stop bringing me down.
Stop being such a pain in the ass with that big ass of yours.

Self, stop hating life. Self, please move on.

I probably shouldn't care, but I do.

Sad Distance

The sad truth. A picture of my daily life during Sembreak.

Here I am, far away from my very precious fridge. We're steps away and I must find a way to get to you.
*come hither* I hear it whispering to me.

Here we have the difference of expectations to reality.
Sembreak Expectations : Having adventures
Sembreak Reality : Staying at home babysitting my cousins.

Great life, eh?

Flux

Finally. They have a word for it. There are some changes in my life that I really need to accept, but I can't. High School has really started to kick in, all the feels and everything. I was not used to failing. I was used to doing everything fine. But now, it's like everything I do, I expect a YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.

People change. You think  your friends are your friends forever. Turns out, forever was just a word to make you feel special. There might be no such thing. People can change in a matter of time that they weren't the person they used to be. The person of the past has become a stranger. Admit it, the you a year ago was completely different.

I guess, life has this way of telling you that you don't always get what you want. Once you say "wow my life is finally starting to take place", life says "hmm we can't have that, can't we?". It's just a way of life. Life's saying that better things are ahead of us, we just have to face every challenge. Like a story, a story's boring without a climax. The character faces the climax until they have a happy ending. Except for us, there is no definite happy ending. Until -the end. We must accept the natural state of life